When my wife and I were preparing for the birth of our first child (who arrived in Jan this year), we had never even heard the word doula. A friend—American, already a parent—brought it up when we were confused about whether we should be looking for a doctor or a midwife, and what even comes first: picking a hospital or a doctor? She casually said, “If I had another baby, I’d definitely hire a doula.”
We were both confused. Was that an English word? “Doula”? Or was it adoula? We weren’t sure, and spent a few minutes verifying that it was, in fact, a thing.
From what we gathered, a doula isn’t a medical professional, but someone who offers emotional and physical support during labor and delivery. There are actually two types: birth doulas, who support during labor, and postpartum doulas who support after birth. Still, we weren’t quite convinced. A relative connected us with an OBGYN in the U.S., and when we asked her about it, her reaction was skeptical: “Why would you need a doula? They’re not even medically trained.”
We left it at that.
But a few weeks later, I found myself reading The Birth Partner, trying to prepare for my role. The book goes deep—stages of labor, support strategies, what the birthing person might experience, and what the partner is supposed to do, and also, what the partner might be going through during labor. I was only a few chapters in and already feeling overwhelmed.
Slowly, I started getting convinced that a doula might actually be helpful. I was struggling just reading about labor—how would I show up calmly and effectively during the real thing? Plus the book also kept highlighting how and where a doula might be helpful in the process.
Around that time, I was also reading Expecting Better by Emily Oster—who had been one of my professors at Brown, so there was some trust factor. She wrote that they had hired a doula, and that her husband Jesse Shapiro (also my professor, and honestly someone I trust even more than Emily!) had initially been skeptical, but later called it the best decision they made. That pushed me further over the fence.
I began nudging my wife towards the idea. She hadn’t read The Birth Partner or been following my mini-research spree, so it felt a bit out of the blue to her. But after a bit of convincing, she gave me the green light to start the doula search.
The Search: Where Do You Even Begin?
I didn’t really know where to start. DoulaMatch.net came up often, so I began browsing profiles by zip code and due date. I looked at personal websites, read testimonials, and also reached out to a Slack channel at work for recommendations. I was especially looking for doulas who had supported a large number of births. I just scanned their bios and websites for those numbers, and also to read more testimonials (I also realized why people stress on having a nice and well documented website).
I sent out messages to about five doulas. A couple of them replied that our hospital was too far, but offered contacts to other doulas who serve the area. Others were willing to chat. All of them offered a short video call to get to know each other. Even while some calls were scheduled, I kept visiting the DoulaMatch website once in a while to find other potential doulas to reach out to.
We weren’t sure what to ask in those first calls. So, after some Reddit rabbit holes, we came up with a list:
- What’s your pain management approach?
- Do you have a backup doula? How often have you needed one?
- How many births do you take per month?
- When do you typically arrive at the hospital?
- How long do you stay?
- Do you offer prenatal visits, and what happens in those?
The first call we had was… rough. The doula spoke over us, gave way too much unsolicited advice, and seemed to assume we were clueless. We knew within five minutes that she wasn’t the one. Thankfully, we didn’t let that experience deter us and went ahead with the rest of the video calls.
Some of the doulas were emphasizing how they have helped their clients argue against what doctors were recommending. In particular, they were explaining cases where the doctors wanted to go for induction, but they had helped their clients avoid that. At first, we thought it was important to us as we may not know enough to go against what the doctors would be suggesting. But then, as we thought more, we realized that our doctors actually really wanted to avoid induction or C-sections as much as possible, and if something went wrong, would we actually trust the doula and go against what doctor was suggesting – it didn’t seem likely. So, we discounted this consideration.
Choosing the Right One
The doula we eventually chose stood out for her calm presence and warmth. She let us speak, stayed overtime on the call, and wasn’t in a rush. She had experience at our hospital and even knew some of the staff there, which gave us extra confidence. She lived just 25 minutes away—close enough to reach us quickly—and most importantly, she said she’d stay with us no matter how long labor took.
Some doulas had placed time limits on how long they’d be present, and that just didn’t sit right with us. We didn’t want to be looking at the clock while in labor.
Cost was definitely a consideration. The doulas we talked to generally charged between $2,000 and $3,000. Ours charged $2,500. We were fortunate that my wife’s employer offered a benefit that covered 90% of the cost—pre-tax as we later found out that we’d have to pay about 40% of it in taxes. It was probably a good thing we didn’t know that upfront, or we might have hesitated more. But the benefit made it easier to move forward.
She also offered two prenatal sessions (we did them virtually). The first felt a bit like a condensed childbirth class—not super helpful. The second focused more on pain management techniques to try at home, and how to decide when to head to the hospital. That was more useful, though we didn’t end up using most of it—labor didn’t really start until we were already at the hospital.
When It Mattered Most
Our baby came three and a half weeks earlier than expected.
When we got to the hospital, my wife wasn’t very dilated yet. We braced for a long wait. The doula arrived shortly after and got right to work—massaging my wife’s back, positioning her with the peanut ball, keeping the environment calm. She also kept reminding my wife to drink fluids and kept feeding her coconut water and juice.
I remember feeling a wave of relief. My wife even recalls that I took a nap after the doula arrived—which is entirely possible.
Yes, the nurses were kind and capable. But they had other patients to attend to. The doula was quietly present the entire time, working in sync with the nurse but entirely focused on us. Even the doctor was surprised at how quickly things progressed. When he came to check, he wasn’t expecting my wife to be close to fully dilated. The nurse told him, “It’s because of their doula—she had her lying on the peanut ball and was constantly massaging her. That really helped move things along.”
During pushing, things moved quickly—and intensely. I, on the other hand, was mostly the overwhelmed and unhelpful extra player in the room, while the nurse and doula worked with my wife as a well-coordinated team. The doula was constantly encouraging my wife, giving her the confidence, and the directions throughout the process.
After the birth, the doula helped with the first breastfeeding session, took a few lovely photos, and checked in on us in the following days. She made herself available for follow-up calls, though we didn’t end up needing them.
After it was all over, my wife told family and friends: “Hiring a doula was the best thing we did.” (Very similar to what Jesse said, funnily enough.) People joked that while the nurse and doula were doing all the work, I didn’t have much role to play. I was happy to say that at least I was the one who convinced her to get the doula!
What I Wish I’d Known
Looking back, here’s what I’d tell myself—or anyone else navigating this for the first time:
- You don’t need to be sure right away. It’s okay to learn and explore as you go.
- Doulas aren’t medical professionals, but they offer support that no one else in the room is quite positioned to give—especially if you’re navigating a new system or culture.
- A vibe check is everything. You want someone who listens, who feels like a calm presence, and who fits with you.
- Do multiple intro calls. You learn a lot about what you want just by speaking to people.
- Start early-ish (we began around 7 months), but don’t stress about the timeline.
- They can also help you prepare—summarizing what books might say, helping you ask the right questions, and walking you through what to expect.
For Anyone Starting This Journey
If you’re wondering whether to hire a doula—especially as a partner—and you’re not sure how you’ll show up in that moment, don’t rule it out just because it feels unfamiliar.
It might just be the best thing you do, too.
Thank you for reading!
Until next time,
Sagar